SO, I had a very interesting one-sided conversation with the father just a while ago. He came into the room, commented about me being on the computer, then asked, all serious-like, "So what are your percentage chances on making it into a university?" Well, fucked if I know. If I faced up to it and searched for the answer, I would realize that I won't make it anywhere, be fantastic in anything. I'm the sort to be able to learn a lot of stuff, but to exel in not a single one of them. A jack of all trades and a master of none. Perfect for me.
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Self-pity; i'm wallowing in it right now, it would seem. BUT. I don't think so. I'm being realistic. Better that I face up to it now than to go bumbling around in life, trying hard to exel just to please people. Or maybe that's wrong. I've given up doing things just to make people happy a long time ago. Everything i do, there has to be something in it for me. Sometimes, the feeling I get when I give people a nice surprise would motivate me to do so. Most of the time though... I don't care. That way, they don't expect it. When it does happen, they go all "=O?!" and get a shock. or something. i don't care. And sometimes i do it just for fun.
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Ugh. Sometimes I just feel like helping him fall down a long flight of stairs. It gets so infuriating. Now that I'm back, what happens? Mmm, I get called to do his tiniest bidding. Even if he was the one who was nearer say, his phone, he'd summon me to go take it to him. What the hell does he think I am? a slave to go run around at his beck and call? Fuck no!
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But I've managed to keep out of his way so far. We haven't had a long talk yet. I keep it short. Maybe once i crave a little excitement I'll respond when he gets angry. Or maybe not. I'm leaving in 2 months. Keep my eyes on that and I'll be able to get through the summer break without much happening.
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Self-pity; i'm wallowing in it right now, it would seem. BUT. I don't think so. I'm being realistic. Better that I face up to it now than to go bumbling around in life, trying hard to exel just to please people. Or maybe that's wrong. I've given up doing things just to make people happy a long time ago. Everything i do, there has to be something in it for me. Sometimes, the feeling I get when I give people a nice surprise would motivate me to do so. Most of the time though... I don't care. That way, they don't expect it. When it does happen, they go all "=O?!" and get a shock. or something. i don't care. And sometimes i do it just for fun.
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Ugh. Sometimes I just feel like helping him fall down a long flight of stairs. It gets so infuriating. Now that I'm back, what happens? Mmm, I get called to do his tiniest bidding. Even if he was the one who was nearer say, his phone, he'd summon me to go take it to him. What the hell does he think I am? a slave to go run around at his beck and call? Fuck no!
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But I've managed to keep out of his way so far. We haven't had a long talk yet. I keep it short. Maybe once i crave a little excitement I'll respond when he gets angry. Or maybe not. I'm leaving in 2 months. Keep my eyes on that and I'll be able to get through the summer break without much happening.
